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Woah!! He's back!

(Sheepishly enters the blog, as if)

Hi It's me. It's not as if I totally disappeared, I had just begun to lose myself as Tim grew more ill and took up with a different journal format. It is a phone app. (No, she means nothing to me, I promise) haha

Oh boy...um, a lot to tell.
Please...sit down. There's so much I have got to tell you. Need anything? No? Good.

Well, wow. It HAS been awhile. Frankly, too long. My last entries were sickenly painful. After reading them, I immediately broke down sobbing. The shame of what I was feeling...the ever present divide that is inherent of the Scanlon dynamic, almost broke us at the end. I think Tim and I beautifully reconciled what differences we might have had at the very end, and yes...the END, DID come on September 29th 2014 at 12:08.

As we gathered in the last days, everyone felt Tim was close to leaving this existence. He had just come off the road after a whirlwind tour of the UK, seeing Rick Wakeman in Cardiff, viewed Stonehenge, Abbey Road studios and London...the quintessential trip of a lifetime. Terry had told me Tim was absolutely fatigued during the trip but like the trooper he was, Tim continued to push on and was looking forward to "going home to die." He ordered that nutrition be stopped and an active hospice help make him comfortable. Terry called me on a Wednesday and told me time was close. He gave me the option of flying down and being a part of the actual "process" of being IN the presence of the moment or merely come in at the end and go to the service. I immediately then somewhat hesitantly, offered to come immediately so that when Friday rolled in, I was flying to Austin to witness an unbelieveable experience...my brother Tim's death.

We had celebrated his 50th birthday only 3 weeks prior with many a friend and family present! Unfortunately, at the time, Tim had resigned himself to reclining in bed. He wasn't feeling well. Time was drawing near.

So, after arriving Friday evening, Terry and I spent every moment we could with him, making jokes and "that which we do." The weekend came and went, giving way to Sunday evening. Terry announced that because of work, he had to get home to get some sleep. Alarmed by this, Tim's eyes eagerly opened, wanting to communicate so badly...he did NOT want Terry to leave. Nor did I. Terry assured him he would stay...and both of us did by his bedside. It was an honor.

The next morning, Monday September 29th, my brothers breathing had become very shallow. To this day, I still remember him being at total peace. Although he appeared to be "out of it", my brother Terry would say something out of left field and Tim would make it known he was still with us by managing a smile.
Finally, shortly before 12:00, Michelle (Tim's ex-wife) stepped out for a cigarette and Terry motioned to me: "Dude, come in here, I think it's happening..."
I walked into the room and Tim is breathing, gasping for air...the noises emanating from him are very audible, his body was basically shutting down. The grinding of teeth still haunts me to this day. His eyes are open and fixed, he is leaving us, crossing over.

There we were, the 3 brothers Scanlon, together for what would change all of us forever. Terry and I took his hands and talked to him, cheering him on as we witnessed the end of life. It was an amazingly beautiful experience but sad nonetheless.

Happy Birthday to Me to Tim

51...you didnt ask, so Im gonna tell ya...and thats not all!!

Just got a confirmation email from the mayor that September 1st 2014 will be deemed Tim Scanlon Day in the town of Steilacoom WA. So...coincidetally it stands from my birthday to his...alot of work to be done!! I am soo ready God!!! Thank you for this opportunity!! More to come!!!!1617222_10152250077934223_1840474121_o

Running on empty

Well, what to tell... Saturday Feb 22, I was rear-ended by an idiot, not paying attention to what he was doing and smacked me really hard!! It apparently really shook me up this time, cause I barely remember what happened except sitting in my car, wailing. Fuck, that sucked. My neck and shoulders, not to mention my back. Well, as has been the case in the past, I felt the need to hire an attorney, and to date, i am going through the proper medical treatment etc.

I certainly didn't ask to be smacked and it certainly DID injure me and put me out of commission, as far as the rental going back early without a check on the spot. Then, disturbing my neighbor for rides to and fro looking for a halfway decent car to drive, but I DID manage that quite well!! I scored a 1995 Acura Legend, white, pristine condition, all leather, Power....runs great. I feel really blessed. Thanks be to God!

I have heard from Terry only once or twice since this. Im not even sure he knows, but thats okay! he does report Tim is not yet ready for the tracheotomy but soon. I really miss them as time progresses...i realize just how short of time for things/family conditions to rapidly deteriorate. Cant think about that now....only leads to heavy heartache.

Well, that about it for now....am gouing to try and post more on a consistent basis...just been insanely busy

Til next time!

Maybe going home early

I'll be going home early. Who woulda thought. Tim and I had a talk and his proposed initial intentions had me staying a couple of weeks with Mom and Dad and with Terry? Did I miss a meeting? That is NOT what was conveyed to me going forward...so, I am scrambling to make changes to itinerary. It looks as if I will be going home sooner than planned and I am totally okay with it. After all, it is...and was a long visit. It was an honor to help Tim through this stage, and honestly, I think he knows what is coming, and really prefers me not to see it. Total paralysis. He has mentioned numerous times of the dreams he's been having and yesterday, we had a good cry!!

So, with that being said....it is transition time. This is going to be huge!! With my returning home, I am being shipped 3 months supply of Medifast and 5 month supply of what Dad wants me to try. A supplement to assist in losing weight. And I plan on losing it...160 weight goal. 32 waist....lets do this!!! I cant wait!!

Till next time...

wow...no more needs to be said...

Time To Go!!!

I want to talk to Tim, like we used to do. At least be talked to...and included. I have always known I was the 3rd wheel, but this trip has really cemented it. When my older brother isn't around, we rarely talk. I really extend my hand...trying to get him to even acknowledge me. He rarely smiles...well yes, you COULD say it is directly related to the ALS. But why then, when older brother comes over, he is much more "attentive" and "functional"...that is to say, he talks and laughs. But I guess, the clencher was last night, when asked by my older brother: "Did you invite Danny?" The look on my brother Tim's face...very disappointing.

I had to say something so I mentioned it...but fell apart. We both did. I explained to him how I felt inferior and he reassured me he DID want my company and all would be okay....it was, as I proceeded to get hammered and bonded with Tim, helping him with "urinary necessities."

So, I will wrap this up. I love you Tim


Ready to go home

Well....I am so conflicted right now. But the truth is: I am ready to go home. is that wrong? A little backstory if I may.

I arrived on November 19th at my brothers home in Texas. He paid for my ticket down and took care of my rent while I am away from my place in Tacoma Washington. He is in the throes of ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) and is quickly becoming dependent on others to help. With that being said, he has said how much he appreciates everything I have done and am doing for him, which is so good to hear. I enjoy helping him, and laughing, reminiscing...but I guess my major health concern is my asthma, which is increasingly becoming difficult with the chain smoking to the likes I have never encountered before. It's not just one but two...his son smokes like a freight train. But, Brad is a good guy. I just hope I didn't get "in the way."

I went to my brother, terry's place for a short 3 day stay, but felt out of place. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a bother to my family. But I appreciated our time together, although, we rarely spoke, and whenever I did ask something, or mention something in passing he seemed completely aloof or even pissed off...that I was bothering him, perhaps? I don't know. It's always been this way, but I was hoping that his "Christian side" would shine....it didn't. What a disappointment. I had even mentioned it to my other brother that, whenever him and my old brother were together with me, everything was subdued...civil. But not one on one. I just don't understand.

Well...Im done. Waiting to go home....til next time...

Like a knife

It's been like this the whole day...to be honest...the last couple of days. Very somber, yes, and for good reason...but there's little I can do. TBC

"About last Night"

ok, so..."about last night"...there was an emotional breakthrough. Tim and brad had been drinking...everything was fine, but like father, like son, once brad gets going, he's like a freight train in the way his father is...was...no holds barred.
So as the evening progressed, Tim's speech began to deteriorate even more so, and although he HAD been drinking, as I look back now...it was more ALS induced than anything else. Yes, he was drunk, BUT not hammered as I alluded to...and I offended him as he made it known, through clenched teeth: "It's the fucking ALS goddammit" and retreated to his room.
Now being a Scanlon, I could've let it lie and not said another word about it, letting the rift widen and break the communication thread. But that only leads to dissention....and if I've learned anything from Terry's counselor sessions, is that you break through that "crust" of FORMER family behavior and correct it.

So, with that, I went into Tim's room and immediately apologized and completely melted down in tears while giving him a hug. That led Tim to tears and it wasn't long before he started to recite the Daniel Anthem..."It's ok, it's ok, it's ok....we both then started laughing hysterically, prompting Brad to come in and check out what was happening.

Well, brad went on to bed, Tim asked that I pull up a chair bedside, to watch Seinfeld together. We watch an episode and then as I help my brother adjust to get comfortable, I got up to go back to the chair. He made a small comment about being homophobic jokingly, meaning, he wanted me to hangout close to him...a cherished bonding experience for sure.

Tim went to bed and I....crashed and burned.

Back home

Well, I've been fucking lame as a writer (lazy)...after watching this story of this guy who has ALS and is writing screenplays, and having them presented before a camera and crew. I have no excuse. if nothing else, this has definitely given me insight and inspiration.

That being said...

It is only fitting that I write of my time thus far as to how the trip is going. The answer to that...fair to midland. It has been just a bit challenging, only to the degree of having to deal with the cigarette smoke and my asthma. Oh, and the drinking. When the drinking commences, it is horrible. The chain smoking is just that, incessant and thick. It is hard to escape.
I suppose I should start with the flight. The window seat has always been my favorite...to watch the stability of ground leave to go...well, flying. That was then, this is now. I was skinnier...I could fit in the assigned seat, no problem...the problem is, that now, I have become...a lot larger!! My RLS (restless Leg Syndrome) is a bitch, always having to get up and move about. When you're on the inside seat, people could care less and don't wanna be disturbed. I can't blame them, I wouldn't either. So, my plan going back, aisle seat, back or front of the plane with fully charged phone...music and snacks. Fuck that last plane ride.

Going forward...

This morning...and the day as a whole is going very well, considering, I had more than I usually do beer wise...but not sloppy drunk like Brad was. Oh my...
But I was able to get up...feeling fully rested, got Tim going, and cooked a killer breakfast for us, great conversation and cleaned up the kitchen. As Tim went down for a nap, I got it together and got my ass to Starbucks. EOS!!


WOW!! Alright, okay....where to go first...

First of all...I am back in Texas, for the whole holiday thing. My brother, Tim, flew me down and is putting me up (with me) for the duration. he ha I am extremely appreciative of this, as I haven't been with family for 4 years...since I left for the Pacific Northwest.

All of this comes on the heels of my brothers Tim's diagnosis of ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) which is REALLY a fucked up way to go down...umm, die!! My family is doing...well, let me rephrase that, my older brother Terry is doing the footwork. Much love to him, as we are all taken aback by what the future holds for 1/5 of "the brood" as it were. If you go online, and just get an idea of how this fucked up disease works....it is NOT fucking cool!!

As for the whole weight loss thing...fuck it. I'm not going to put strings to it i.e. goals, I will just do whatever and go that route. When I look back on past post...I get disgusted n pissed at myself. It is just what it is...

...Now...just put out the fucking cigarettes...that is all....

Til next time!



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